Tuesday, June 29, 2010

G is for Gay!

Salt in the City. What it's like to be a Gay-Thirty-Something in Salt Lake City. Seems only natural that "G" should be for Gay after an opening like that!
As humans, we label. We label everything! It's what we do. And we do it very well. Nothing sneaks by us before we can slap a tag on it, price it, and exploit it. It's one way to ensure that we are the ones in control. It becomes "ours" after we name it. It becomes limited and controlled. Nothing left to question. Defined and permanent. But what happens once everything in creation has been labeled? Well, thank the universe that there is one thing that man kind will never be able to achieve. Mankind will never be able to label it all. In this ever-changing and diverse world, there will always be something new and undefined. We create and change. Ensuring that nothing is ever constant. As hard as we as humans try to perfect our world, the world changes in the blink if an eye. Leaving only one thing that we can and always be able to do. Question!

When my nephew first learned of his "Gay" uncle he asked his parents if it was a good or bad thing. He believed that if something/someone was labeled as "Gay" that it meant it or they was stupid, dumb or simply not "cool". If there was a kid at school not good at sports, he was "Gay". If there was a T.V. show that was boring, it was "Gay". If there were a musician that girls loved and boys hated, he was "Gay". Like.... the Jonas Brothers! So GAY!!!! Anyhow, the fact that my nephew thought his Uncle was gay meant that I was something "not good". I believe my brother and his wife told him that being "Gay" meant that I was different. Not good or bad. Just different. But what would the alternative to "Different" be? Normal? Does this still put a negative connotation on being "Gay"?

In our ever-changing and label loving society I am learning that even my definition of "Gay" has changed. Previously, I thought being "Gay" meant that I simply preferred sex with the same gender. My nephews definition of "Gay" is proof that the term has evolved. It now explains that I have adopted the mannerisms and lifestyle commonly associated with people attracted to the same gender. In other words, being "Gay" now gives me a personality distinction. It's no longer about sexual preference.

I also find it fascinating that while being a part of a minority that is ever fighting the negative connotations of our labels. "Gays", are also very eager to label ourselves in other ways. Being Gay or Lesbian is not all that we are or want to be. We also want to be labeled as "Equal", "American", "Family" and "Married". Finding a label that fits maybe the only way that each and everyone of us, gay or straight, can except the fact the labels will exist whether we like it or not.

Just the other night while dining with friends we were discussing the different ways to label ourselves as gays. *Note to all of the "Straights" reading this post, yes, we are not just "Gay". We are Lipsticks, Bears, Bull Dykes, Bull Daggers, Twinks, Trannies, Cubs, Divas, Diesels, Otters, Queens, Princesses, Wolves, etc. My friend Becky was telling us that she has never labeled herself as Gay, Bi, Straight, or Lesbian. There wasn't a label that she felt defined her. She believed that labels are limiting. That was until she heard for the first time a label that fit! CHAPSTICK LESBIAN! It hit home for Becky! It was like looking in the mirror for the first time and seeing her true self.

Chapstick Lesbian: lez-bee-uhn)A chapstick lesbian is also known as a soft butch or androgynous. She usually dresses quite casually and does not wear make-up. See also Ellen.

Now I would be the first to tell Becky that being a "Chapstick Lesbian" is a very small part of who she really is. But this got me thinking... What kind of a "Gay" am I? How would I define myself? Better yet, how would I define the "Gays"? I do believe in labeling. I believe in judging too! I am after all human. And if it's what humans do, than I want to be the best! Now I would never want to offend anyone to their face. I prefer to do that privately with other judger's and gossipers! I'd like to spend the rest of our blog time educating and teaching my own "Types of Gays". Let's label away!

First we explore the 3 types of Closet Cases.
The Latter-Gay-Saint:
Here in Utah we have several Latter Gay Saints. The L.G.S.'s are members of the Mormon Church that have not "Come Out" due to fear of religious persecution. L.G.S.'s have it easy though. What other religion gives you a "Companion" for a minimum of two years! L.G.S.'s although not "out" are great homemakers and cooks. If you ever want to date an L.G.S., be ready to be referred to as the "Best Friend" or "Roommate" for the duration of the relationship. If he can play the Piano, cook potatoes more than 10 ways, and knows the name of every contestant on American Idol before they get to the Top 20, he's probably a Latter Gay Saint. I pray that these L.G.S.'s one day see the light!

The Jock Strap:
The Jock Strap is a closeted Gay that loves playing sports. The best part of the game for a "Jock Strap" isn't the 4th quarter or the last inning. "Jock Straps" live for the end of the game when they can slap the butt of their teammates and say, "Err uh, good game.....bro!" Like an old worn-out stinky jock strap, "Jock Straps" prefer to stay in the closet with the other sporting equipment. Jock Straps may appear masculine and tough, but probably take as much time in the bathroom as most women. And as talented and athletic as they appear, they can equally and as talentedly strut the runway in a pair of pumps.

The G.I. Gay:
Gay and in the military. Don't ask, don't tell. These gays are the gays that gays are made of. These gays fight for a country that probably wouldn't fight for them. G.I. Gays are closeted for the right reasons but hopefully not for much longer. I have respect for the G.I. Gay. For all the G.I. Gays I say, "Let them come home and let them come out!"
On to the Gays!

The Lisssthper!
Sssut up! Are you Thhserious? The Lisssthper, the easssiest to pick out for obviousss reasonsss. Just assth the Lisssthper how many "S's" are in the word Fabulousss and they'll tell you "Ssssssseven!"

The Soul Seller:
Oh you know who you are! You are the "Gay's" that sold your souls to the devil for great hair, chiseled faces and bodies of god's. You are the "Gay's" that turn the heads of even straight men lesbian women. You are vain, stuck up, cliquey, muscley, beautiful and perfect! If you see the devil again, tell him I am ready to strike a deal!!!

The guy from I-da-ho:
Who da ho? I-da ho! Idaho's are the sluts of the bunch. Like an Idaho potato, they'd like to be mashed, stuffed, peeled, diced, and Julianne'd! Also known as "Midnight Texters" or "24-7's". It's also a fine line between an "Idaho" and a "Tranny Mess".

Tranny Mess:Tranny Messes', are typically drunk and go to the bars and clubs 6-7 nights a week. "Trannies" and "Idaho's" if not one in the same, usually flock together. Either can text 1,000,000 words a minute. And can tell you what club or bar is best to go to each night of the week. "Idaho's" also have their value too. They can tell you where the closest bathrooms are no matter where you are at. Never turn your back on the "Tranny Mess", she is clever and sneaky. Nothing will come between the "Tranny Mess" and her "Good time". Same can be said for the "Idaho".

The Bobcat: (Yes, this is me)...The Bobcat is an attractive man in his 30's or 40's who is on the hunt once again. He may be found in the usual hunting grounds: nightclubs, bars, beaches, etc. until he has secured a mate for life. He will not play the usual B.S. games that men in their early twenties participate in. However, in the end, he will be going for the kill. The Bobcat is the gay version of a "Cougar". "Cougars" and "Bobcats" are compatible. They can be seen shopping or at brunch together and often become facebook friends. However, the Bobcat and Cougar are territorial. Beware the "Metro-sexual". "Metro's" can easily come between the Cougar and her best Gay Bobcat friend. After all, nothing comes between a Bitch and her prey. And I'm not just talking about the Cougar.

My lists go on and on... but i think i have already proved a point. We are all human and imperfect. In the great pull-down-box of life, eventually we all fall into a category. As long as we are alive and thinking, we will label. We will label till we die. And then.... we will be labeled by the great labeler himself/herself/gayself...


  1. Love this post! I would like to Label you~
    Amazing Friend,Artist, lover, fighter, hard worker, funny man (hilarious actually) :) Creativ, adventurous, supportive, thoughtful, kind, awesome....
    The list goes on and on~ I am so very grateful for you in my life!
    Love you! :)

  2. Love your new blog! And the ABCs are such a prefect introduction! -Katie