How To Be Alone

Sorry for no post for the last week. I hope you aren't feeling ignored or forgotten! Yes, my 16 followers, I do think of you often. I came across this very well made video. It has inspired me! So, watch, love and be inspired. I hope to post something soon!

To Zen or Not to Zen!?!

Are you beaming with light in this very moment? Are you so full of joy you wish you could just shit a rainbow? If so, please stop reading and feel free to leave a comment below. Thank you for stopping by. 

If you aren't dancing the dance of 10,000 happy Buddhas then please stay awhile and share in the experience of trying to reach NIRVANA! 

And also know that you are apart of a vast majority of the population living one day at a time and seldom finding a single second in the day to quiet your mind or to remember that you simply need to breath!

My day starts with the alarm clock. A single beep. Each beep ever increasing and sounding more rapidly until it reaches a constant hum/pinging sound. Snooze button, Morning. The first thought. Time for work. The second. Take the dog out. Hmm, nice day. I'm standing on the porch in my underwear. Hmm, nice day. Flowers look good. I'm scratching my ass in my underwear on the porch. Hmm, nice day. Good thing no neighbors are out. Shit, the neighbors just sitting in her car. Did she see me? Oh well, hmm, nice day! What should I wear? Need to shave. Need shaving cream from the store. When can I go to store? I have to work late. Big event tonight. Did I staff enough servers? Hmm, nice day. The thoughts drift from one to the next without taking a breath. Oh yeah, the next thought. Breath. Take a nice deep breath and don't get overwhelmed. The day will come and go and I will do what I can. Something may not get done but tomorrow is another day. Another day that starts with the alarm. And the mind continues.

In the rare event that you can actually devote time to quieting your mind. And you can do it successfully. My question is this... how do you get there? How and what is peace to you?

Last night J-bird and I were discussing how someones idea of finding peace can be so different for someone else. And no offense honey, but your version of peace is messed up perfect for you! My boyfriend who is only 22 wise beyond his years, would rather be shopping in New York, cocktail in hand, while listening to the latest from Lady Gaga or Jay-Z. While I am a waterfalls, Enya, incense, and meditating kind of guy.

Now, I have to give "J" some credit here. Last night, I tricked convinced him to come to a mediation group with me. I purposefully forgot to mention that we would be sitting in one spot, motionless for a half hour. I have never, in my entire relationship with "J", witnessed him in stillness for more than 5 seconds. Not even in his sleep. He sleeps with one leg bent straight up which continues to fall every so often knocking and falling on me through the night. Lovely, just lovely!

Anyhow, we made it to the Zen Center. Or as I like to call it "the ZENTER". I explained to "J" that there may be some chanting and some bowing. There would be incense and shrines and statues. Chiming and dining of bells and gongs. Really I was trying to get him psyched up for this new experience. But even after all the psyching I knew that honestly there was going to be a whole lot of nothing. Just quiet. And I wasn't sure if "J" was going to survive.I also told him that he could be as quiet or participatory in as much or as little as he wanted. Still giving him the sense that there would be options in this little exercise. Pssht, options! Schmoptions! We were going to sit and do nothing. And I knew that "J" was going to have to just sit through it all. Motionless. And quiet! BWAH HA HA HA!

We entered the building and immediately I could sense the stillness and peace that my soul had so longed for. It had been well over a year since my last meditation in this Zen Center. Through the silence we heard the creaking of floorboards over head. And slowly we saw the light feet of a Buddhist monk gracefully transcend the old wood staircase to the lobby where we were waiting. With arms in prayer fashion he approached us with a smile. I told him we were here to Meditate. He asked if it was our first time. "Oh not me! I'm pretty much a guru master. But this is his first time, he's never done anything like this before." I nudged "J" forward towards the little monk. Like the way a mother has to push her 2-year-old up to sit on Santa's lap. Only "J" wasn't kicking and screaming...... not yet at least! BWAH HA HA HA HA!

The cute little monk explained the procession and sitting technique and told "j" and I to head up the stairs when we were ready. He then floated back up the stairs in silence. So "J" and I practiced the sitting technique and shared a few giggles before we ascended the stairs towards enlightenment! We founds two mats and two cushions, also known as Zafu cushions. See how Buddha-ism-ist-ish-er I am! A freakin' guru Buddha master!

There were only 2 other monks in the room. So quiet. So peaceful. Ahhhhhh! This is exactly what I needed! The meditation began and I was surprised that I found focus and stillness so quickly. Blackness and breath. The only two things on my mind. Only a few times my mind began to drift and think about work or friends. But it was the focus on my breath that brought me back. Time seem to pass quickly and easily. My posture held. And I drifted into a state of bliss. My body was completely happy and content. And then…… the pain set in. After sitting in one position for 20 minutes, my left leg was starting to loose sensation. I hate to use the expression that my leg was “falling asleep”. Because this was no slumber. It was more like a nightmare. The pain was intense and it brought me from Nirvana to hell in a matter of seconds.

I opened my eyes, the room was still in silence. How could this be when my leg was about ready to fall off! How could everyone just sit there. I glanced over to see how "J" was managing. To my surprise, he was actually doing very well. He was adjusting and fidgeting a bit. But his face wasn't red or wincing in pain. I convinced myself to remain still. I am a pro-meditation-er for hell's sake! I can do this! I remained still and tried re-centering myself. I pushed through the last 10 minutes. The last 5 minutes of which weren't bad at all considering I had completely lost all sensation in my left leg altogether.

The mini-monk banged his bowl three times and everyone started coming back to their senses. I immediately grabbed my dead leg and lifted it to straighten it out. No movement in the toes. No feeling from the ankle to the knee. But at least I could move the rest of my body now and try circulating the blood.

The meditation group had all stood up. With hands and arms in prayer position. Mini monk had picked up two more sticks and began clanking them together. WE WEREN'T DONE!!!! The group was looking at me and "J", waiting for us to stand in prayer with them. There was no way I could stand. So I remained seated and smiled. "J" following my lead was also still seated. The banging of sticks stopped and Mini-Monk walked directly over to me and "J". Very pleasantly he motioned for us to stand up. It was the moment of truth. Will my cold blue piece of flesh and bone, formally known as my leg, be ready and able to support me. I rolled to one butt cheek and placed both hands on the floor and lifted. Very carefully I balanced on my right leg, not allowing the left leg, so full of pins and needles, not to touch anything. Mini-monk smiled in approval at my inability ability to stand. I mean come on folks. He knew exactly what I was going through. In the 500 years of his practicing seated mediation he has never had or witnessed a dead leg? It was then, when Mini-monk uttered the next few words that I knew he was pure evil! He ever so peacefully looked into my eyes, with the sweetest of smiles and said, "Now we do walking mediation." Any ounce of peace and serenity had been drained, just like the blood out of my leg. "Walking meditation?" I muttered. "Walking? Like do-do-do", as I motioned with my fingers. "Yes. Please follow..." I looked at "J", he seemed pleased as punch and up for anything. I on the other hand was in excruciating agony. "oh, yeah...um, no. I think we will just go now if that is okay?" Mini monk, so at peace with everything, he didn't care if we stayed or went. "Thank you, and he motioned us to walk down the stairs. "Just f@*#ing cut my leg off here why don't you!" I shouted. Well, in my mind I shouted it. Instead, I was quiet and smiled back. I looked at "J" and gestured for him to take the lead and head over to the stairs. Look at "J" go, walking so effortlessly. Pffffth! I took a single step. A quick step. The needles quickly turned to swords and shot up through my leg. Deep breaths! Another quick step...and another... like walking slowly across hot coals. I soon reached the stairs. By that time Mini Monk had started clanking his sticks again. The walking mediation had begun. And it was as quietly performed as the sitting mediation. All that was heard was the hobbling and then thudding of my dead leg as it hit each stair. "J" was already outside the Zenter waiting before I was even half way down the stairs. I reached the bottom and scooted across the floor to my shoes. Oh god! Putting on shoes! I bared down one last time and slipped the shoe over my foot. OH DEAR GOD AND THE LOVE OF BUDDHA! I exited the building, beads of sweat running down my face. Completely out of breath I asked "J", "So..... (pant, pant, pant)... how was it?" "J's" reply....."ehh, it was alright, kinda boring, but I'd do it again. I guess it's better than sitting around and doing nothing!".

"J" is for J-Bird

Quick note: The thing I love most about blogging is that once I start a new post I have no idea how it is going to end or what it is even going to entail. It feels so good to let my head race and try to keep up with the thoughts long enough to write them down. However, for this post I have a few ideas in mind already. And I also have a few surprises in mind too. So without further ado, "J" is for J-Bird...

I've had it in my head that "J" would be for J-Bird for sometime now. And why wouldn't I want "J" to be for J-Bird, he is after all my love, my friend, my future! Now, before I go any further I want to make something clear. This is NOT going to be a sappy love blog dedicated to the one I love most. Why? Because he already knows how much I care for him.

The Beginning
It was quiet in my house. There was no sound except for the clicking and racing of my fingers across the keyboard below. I was alone. And I was lonely. I don't recall what time it was, other than I know it was late. My eyes, half glazed from exhaustion and the other half from staring at the computer screen for the past several hours. It had been a few months since the break-up of my last relationship. The winter had brought an icy loneliness and it felt like it was going to be a long cold season. I found myself online in a chat room. Probably desperate for someone to chat with. It was enough to interact with a complete stranger to allow myself to feel entertained and preoccupied. And although it isn't clear who initially began the chat... a chat began! And it has lasted for almost 3 years now.

Jason, my J-Bird, and I met in a chat room. Simple conversations in the beginning. And although he is 11 years younger. We just seemed to click. It's funny the saying we use when we find that we have multiple things in common with someone. "Clicking". But it was literally like the two ends of a seat belt clicking together. Jason instantly filled a void in me that had been empty for a very long time.I felt interesting again. And interested. He was thoughtful, funny, exciting, and most of all, "HOT"! However, after chatting a few times with Jason. I didn't see how a relationship could go anywhere. At the time, I felt as though our age difference was enough to stop this new found relationship dead in its tracks. So I let it. I stopped chatting, emailing, texting and calling. A week, maybe two, had passed. And I had tried to put Jason out of my mind, but it was impossible. Jason didn't quit. He was very persistent. And good thing he was. I eventually agreed to go on a date with him. I told Jason that I thought his persistence was a little overwhelming. He quickly explained that he found something he liked and nothing was going to stop him. Now I said this wasn't going to get to cheesy. But I really have to hand it Jason and give him credit where credit is due. He has lived up to his overwhelming persistence, for this is where his dedication to our relationship, endurance to see through the hard times, and his commitment to me began. Not only am I thankful to Jason for his dedication. But he is also an example to me of how a loving relationship can exist.

Recently, I have been forced to evaluate all of my relationships in my life. A dear friend of mine has left the country and has caused other relationships to strengthen and become even more meaningful. And I have come to the conclusion the most important and meaningful relationships that I have now began with a mere chance of luck or unexpected decision.

It was by chance that Jason and I ended up in a chat room and decided to even give each other the time of day. A simple hello has resulted in years of happy memories, multiple new friendships, and the possibility of being with a special someone for the rest of my life.

But enough about how I feel about Jason...I've invited some guest bloggers to also spill the beans about J-Bird.

Ladies and Gentlemen, may I introduce Tiffer's Burns Rushforth...

I first met Jason at an event for the Sundance Film Festival, we did not get a chance to talk much, but I instantly knew he was just a doll! He is so Charismatic! And I love his innocence and kindness!My best memory of Jason was when we were walking the 5K at City Creek and we had time to just get to know each other better and talk. One day I think it would be a blast to tube down the river at Lava Hot Springs!I think Jason is one of the sweetest people I have ever met. I wont ever forget that last year around Christmas you and Andrew came over with a gift, an amazing dragonfly stepping stone. When Andrew told me it was you who found it and bought it, that totally warmed my heart. I could not believe that you would think of me and be so thoughtful and kind. I am so very grateful to know you!

And Mr. Petar "the Croat" Begich

I first met Jason at some party with some crazy wig lady, (Nancy)!There are a few things I admire about Jason too. He is blunt, drinks like a fish, spontaneous and so so young! He is adorable and nice person, definitely not deserved by Andrew ;o)
One of my favorite memories of Jason was his 21st bday and shopping at Fred Myers in the middle of the night with the Limo ride. We made him shop for Ladies underwear, a banana and condoms. The best advise I would give Jason would be to stay cool and wise.

Next... Ms. Miss. a.k.a. Becky "Rebecc-Ass" Wasden

I don't recall the very first time I met Jason, but we have become good friends through Andrew Benson. I love Jason's mischievous side the most. He often has a look on his face or smirk in his laugh that let's you know he is thinking or doing something that's going to cause trouble! I love it!
I really look forward to making countless memories with J but the first few that come to mind that we already share are: swimming parties, Mardi GRAS, campfires and smores, fireworks, Rhiannon and JayZ. I think the most powerful memory I shared with Jason was talking to Trevin, the blood artist.

And ladies and gentlemen, all the way from Barcelona, Spain..... Char!!!!!!

Hi Jason, I already miss you tons! I miss cooking with you the most... You are just so willing to learn and such a smart ass about it too. But once you learn, you just takes charge. Can't wait for Taco Tuesday when I get home. I also love the "Jasonism's" for sure. "he just disappeared out of the woodwork"..."You must have carpet guard on your shirt"..."I was sweating beams"...and my new favorite..."Aye aye, Hilter"... Still so funny me.Love and miss you Jason. I wish I could be there on your special day later this month... I will be there for your big 4-0 fo sho!

Thank you to my guests writers and for your contributions!... and now let me leave you with....

THE JASON MONOLOGUES

If Jason were a song, which one would he be?
Peter: 4 Minutes – Madonna & Justin T.
Becky: Lifes A Game But It's Not Fair...! I break the rules so I don't care... (run this town tonight)
Tiffany: Don't Worry, Be Happy!
Char: Miley Cyrus - Party in the USA - ha ha LOL! love you J!
Andrew: I'll Stand by you!

If Jason were a place, which place would he be?
Peter: Miami
Becky: Jason would be a swanky cocktail lounge with amazing lighting, great furniture, and killer drinks...!
Tiffany: Disneyland
Char: Nordstrom
Andrew: High-end Hair Salaon, serving cocktails, with hot men in tight pants!

If Jason were an Animal, which Animal would he be?
Peter: A Parrot
Becky: hmm. An ostrich? ;)
Tiffany: Leopard
Char: Guppy (technically not an animal, but it just seams right)
Andrew: It would have to be something exotic...like a French Poodle.

If Jason were a kind of Food, what kind of Food would he be?
Peter: A taco...on Tuesday
Tiffany: Chicken Parmesan, your favorite!
Becky: something HOT and SPICY
Char: Enchilada, the cheesy kind, your other favorite!
Andrew: nothing chocolate...nothing to spicy...something sweet and sugary...A DUMB DUMB SUCKER!!! And I mean that in the nice way!

If Jason were a Drink, what Drink would he be?
Peter: vodka with crystal light
Becky: dirty vodka martini, dry, bruised, and up (to no good!)
Tiffany: Cosmopolitan
Char: vodka with vodka!
Andrew: I will go out on a line and say.....VODKA! However, my favorite drink is a Jason Stiffy!

And if Jason were a TV Show or Movie, which would he be?
Peter: 2011 Odyssey
Becky: Jason should have his own show like Entourage meets Kathy Griffin meets Wipeout!
Tiffany: Friends
Char: WIPEOUT!!!!!
Andrew: Dexter...meets Sex and the City! Dex in the City! The story of a gay serial killer wearing high heels and writes a column about his killings!

Jason, you are my love! And I happy to dedicate the letter "J" to you!

I interrupt this Alpha-blog-rophy

For the past few months I have dreaded this day. Sorry, I don't think this will be a very happy blog.

One of my best and dearest friends has left for the next four months. After the four months he is scheduled to return. But not sure for how long or if he will even stay at all. OH, it is just like him to be so non-committal!

I will say this for one last time, this friend that has left used to be my ex. Just recently he asked me to stop referring to him as my ex. And just starting calling him friend. So for the last time, my "ex" Charles, has left for a World Adventure.I hope my friend returns home safety and soon!

Yes, I am happy for the S.O.B. But I am also sad for selfish reasons. He is one of my biggest supporters. Truly a friend that I can share my depest secrets with, without to much judgment.

The good bye at the airport was a tough one. There were tears and hugs and hard goodbyes... The goodbye went a little like this...


Good luck and safe travels Char! We will all miss you and can't wait to see you soon!